I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
