i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
