Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
