I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
