Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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