Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
