remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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