I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
