i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
