So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
