Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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