you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
