Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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