dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
