the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
