Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just googled if crying burns calories
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
