Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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