You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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