i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
