The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
