I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
