Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
