i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
