You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
