Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
