For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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