i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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