Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
