you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
