in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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