I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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