i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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