we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
