Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dicks are not precious.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
