if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
