Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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