mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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