i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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