Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
