There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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