Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
