he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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