i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
