Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
