i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
