I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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