Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
