Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
