cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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