I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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